OK this is hard to do on my phone in less than optimal physical conditions. Plus there’s no colors which is really bothering me.
But maybe it’s better if there’s one place -straight from the horses mouth- to get information. We’ll see and I’ll stop if it’s not helpful.
Quick backstory I’ve been sick since the beginning of July with what I was sure was post Covid long haulers syndrome. Which is a bunch of odd symptoms, fairly debilitating, that a large portion of people who had Covid and recovered are experiencing months after. It’s in the news more and more. keep your eye out for it it’s definitely something important.
But after a month and a half of extreme fatigue, really serious back pain, and GI problems, and of course urgings from family and friends, I applied for and got insurance. So visit to a doctor was in the works.
Luisa was scheduled to arrive on August 20, and stay with me through the winter.. We’ve been planning this for for Luisa to help through whatever this illness is. But also to be together because we haven’t seen each other during this time of Covid.
I also knew I would needed to be driven to the doctor, because I haven’t been well enough to do it myself. I’ve been house bound since July.
In the meantime my mom picked me up on Tuesday August 11 and brought me over to the summer house to be taken care over there for a bit. When I woke up on Thursday, after being there a couple of days my right leg was purple and swollen. Finally something I couldn’t ignore! Try as I might.
That was 6 days ago. The swollen leg was a result of an extensive blood clot in my right thigh. While I was at the hospital they decided to give me an abdomen scan as well. The abdomen scan revealed cancer in my stomach -ovaries- pancreas -liver, and in my colon. This was a shock.
I have such a clear memory of the word cancer coming out of the doctors mouth but thinking she must mean something else because she was saying it in such a matter of fact way. But my mom gasped and started to cry and I realized it was what she said.
Still I stayed calm, my mind set on mundane things like ‘oh my god what am I gonna do with all my shit.’
So my mom went home it was 5 o’clock at night and we’d been there since noon. The plan was that hospital would transfer me by ambulance to Central Maine medical Center, an hour away, which has a cancer unit.
They gave me intravenous morphine and for the first time in six weeks I was not in excruciating pain, and I fell sleep.
I woke up in a little bit and the really hard stuff happened which was I had to call Luisa and tell her what was going on. I called her dad first to give him a heads up that she would probably be calling him very upset, which in turn meant I was telling him and he was very upset.
This is the hardest part of the whole thing -being the bearer of such bad news. And watching other people suffer because of some thing you said. I’m getting better at it. It’s really very moving. Even when the people are stoic -you can tell they’re feeling it. I personally would be a stoic one, I know I feelings are all there, even if they don’t show.
Now I’ve been in the hospital at least getting the rest that I so badly needed, with the pain being managed some days better than others. I’m still waiting for a definitive diagnosis which is difficult and annoying. And I’ve been trying to hold off until I am told an actual diagnosis. But word travels fast. Whatever Cancer it is, it has traveled a lot in my body.
Two procedure scheduled tomorrow -a liver biopsy and paracentesis. (Removing fluid build up in the abdomen).
I guess that’s pretty up-to-date more will come tomorrow.
Oh but wait, NO VISITORS ALLOWED !!!
My family and Luisa (who flew from Minneapolis, to be by myside Saturday Aug 15) Woke up early that morning to a text from me saying “I can have no visitors, hospital policy since Covid.” I haven’t seen Luisa face-to-face since Christmas.
I’ve been alone here since I got here.
My tower. The nurse last night I’m breaking a record with number of things on the pole. They took two things away since then. Where I go it goes, like a daemon. I’d rather be a heron.